Gun Control

One day, we had a debate about guns. To my kids, guns--almost universally, and certainly regrettably--are cool. Student proponents of guns were numerous and vocal, whereas gun control advocates were nigh on nonexistent. And then Marcia Murray offered her opinion.


Marcia: "I think there shouldn't be guns. Guns should be banned."

Me: "Ah, interesting! Finally, someone on the other side of this!"

Marcia: "Yeah--I mean, if you want to kill someone, you can just find another way, like--"

Me: "No! What?"


Maybe the anti-gun lobby is misguided; perhaps a pro-knife lobby could accomplish big things?

Self Identification

Tierra Ford walks into class.

"I'm a character!"

Yep.

Backpack

Standing in line to get pictures taken, Jarvis Jacobs wears an empty backpack. Alisha Brixton thwaps him on the back.


Alisha: "This is empty! Where are your books?"

Jarvis pauses, then taps his temple with an index finger. "They're all in here."

Happy Birthday

My wife substitute taught in the district, and frequently at my high school, last year. Many of my current students know and miss her. On her birthday, I brought in a card and let any student sign it who so desired.

Right before I passed out the card in homeroom, I had written Troy Jenkins a pass to the gym. "Don't worry," Jalil Dotson assured me, "I signed the card for Troy."

Later, I looked at the card and saw Troy's would-be greeting:

"Happy Birthday from yo monkey friend Troy."

Dear Everyone

This was heard in passing in the hallway, from one girl to a group of students; the authority and decisiveness in her voice made it sound like a pronouncement on the state of everyone in the school.


"Ya'll some weird-ass kids."

Asking for it

Whilst discussing character types in modern TV shows, someone brought up Spongebob Squarepants.


Me: "What about Spongebob Squarepants then? What type of character is he?"

Garry: "Round."

Me: "Right, round, he's the main character, and he has tons of detail."

Charles: "Wait a minute. I thought Spongebob was square?"


He did look genuinely confused, but I'm hoping it was an act.

Angry Scheduling

At my school, students have some input on their class schedules, but by and large it is the duty of an assigned scheduler to place them in available courses. Most students accept this, while others choose to do what, frankly, I would have done in high school: complain, and do so endlessly, until one gets one's way. At this point, all I ask is that my homeroom kids put their requests in writing so I can remember what to relay to the scheduler.

Here's some requests from Cindy Grisham:


">hr 3 (team sports)
i already completed my PE credits

> hour 5 (spanish 1)
I took 2 years of french, and a year of latin. im not taking spanish.

>hr 8 (lifetime sports)
once again i already compleated PE.

(please replace PE. I suck at sports and I can see myself failing that class.)"


Poor girl. I have sympathy for PE haters.

Oh hell no

Tierra Ford: "You know who you sounded like when you said that, Mr. Vonn? Danny Tanner!"

What the? Pt. 2

Second day of school.


Student [Jarvis Jacobs]: "Hey what's that one band, the Flaming.. Wings..."

Me: "Flaming Lips?"

Jarvis: "Yeah. They tight."

What the?

First day of school.


Mr. Vonn: "Funny you mention Twilight being a great love story; we're going to read The Great Gatsby this year, which is--"

Student [Cathy]: "Are we going to read The Scarlet Letter this year?"

Me: "Um, no."

Cathy: "Ah, damn it!"

Me: "But! I'll get you a copy! I'll buy one!"


What did they start putting in the water this summer?!

Anticipatory Set

I am "looping" this year, which means that I have many of the same kids in junior English that I had last year in sophomore English. This also means that I can look at a roster and see things that I wouldn't normally be able to see. Most importantly, I know the ringleaders.

I went through all my rosters and noticed the kids looked pretty polite, by and large. A little too polite, even. I then found out why when I reached the last class: the scheduler has managed to group almost every ringleader from last year in my seventh period. It is Concentrated Evil, with a few poor quiet saps stuck in for good measure. (I imagine them serving as a sort of Greek chorus, commenting on the tragedy occurring around them.)

One of the unlucky quiet kids stopped by my classroom to say hi on Freshman Orientation Day. I called her over to the computer.


Me: "Beth, check this out. Check out your class. I'm psyched."

Beth scans the roster. "Wow."

Me: "Yeah, whoo, there are some talkers in there, hopefully some good discussions!"

Beth: "Talkers--Mr. Vonn, tryin' to roast!"


It's go time!

More Tour-y Goodness

On that same tour of the school, Richard gave a worldly-wise run-down of the bathroom situation.


Richard: "Here is the boys' room. The paper towels here are kind of rough... so if you do not want to hurt your nose, I advise you to bring in some Puffs."

Mr. Ceramic

It's Freshmen Orientation Day. I'm tagging along with a group of freshmen on a tour of the school led by Richard Julson, an upperclassman.


Richard: "And this is the classroom where the ceramics teacher is..."

Freshman: "Ah, this is Mr. Ceramic's class?"

Where you go'n to college?

In homeroom, I had my students work on a special project for me (which is a euphemistic way of saying, "I outsourced work to unpaid laborers"). In an effort to make the college search process more accessible, I offered to request college information for any interested student in the school. Toward this end, I wanted smart-looking posters for the hallways; students could sign their names and list colleges of choice and, in turn, I would email those schools for them.

"I want you to be as creative as possible, because you guys are much more creative than I am," I said. "But the posters have to say, 'Where are you going to college?' as the heading." I then gave them markers, colored pencils, poster paper, the works.

Later, Beth Banks had a question. "Mr. Vonn, is it all right if we make these a little ghetto, like, can I put, 'Where u go'n to college?'"

Me: "Well, I'd really rather you not, I mean these are for colleges...we want good grammar, right?"

Beth: "All right, all right."

Later still, Beth's group finished. "Here you go, Mr. Vonn, we're done." I examine the poster. Beth predicts my question and goes on: "Yeah it says 'Where are you go'n to college,' I mean, you know we had to keep it a little ghetto."

Fair play.

No-good ugly pencils

I am helping proctor the ACT exam with another teacher in our school cafeteria one Saturday morning. Before the test, students who need #2 pencils are free to come get them from us.

My coworker hands Mark Crisson a couple pencils, but Mark refuses them. The teacher tries again.


Teacher: "Here, these are fine."

Mark: "Nah."

Teacher: "Why not? They're fine."

Mark: "They just... ugly. Bad luck!"