Banter

Cliff's sidekick is a slight, unique (some might say nerdy) boy named Richard Murman. Richard has an unfortunate tendency to lash out at his would-be critics--and here I do mean "would-be," as he frequently employs verbal preemptive strikes (as it were) before anyone even says anything derogatory, thereby making himself an even bigger target.

(This, I've found, is a trait seemingly prominent in Nerd Youth today; I definitely would have classified myself as such in high school, but I was further adept at hanging in the background and making myself appear invisible. Don't kids learn that anymore--or don't they value it? Too much courage among these young'uns.)

Anyway, Cliff--not exactly the coolest bloke himself--frequently takes it upon himself to defend Richard. Here's an interesting scene thereof:


Cliff, to Richard: "That's my boy."

Corey: "Why claim him?" This draws laughs from classmates.

Cliff: "Come on he's funny, you just gotta know him."

Richard, to Cliff: "You're full of toe jam."

Cliff: "Touche, touche."


I really hope I'm the one who taught him 'touche.'

Cliff, tryin' to huss

One day, the principal walked by my classroom before school started. Cliff and I were talking in the hallway. Five minutes later, after the bell rang and students were seated, Cliff poses a question.


Cliff: "Hey can I go get a drink of water?"

Me: "Sorry, Cliff, class just started. You gotta wait."

Cliff: "I coulda said you had drugs back there in front of the principal!"

Me: "And he would have said 'Point.'"

Cliff: "How do you know--how do you KNOW?"


What a huss!

I am an an-ar-CHIST-uh!

This is from an online discussion of Fahrenheit 451.


Discussion Question: "An epigraph is a quotation at the beginning of novel or story that suggests its THEME. Fahrenheit 451's epigraph is: "If they give you ruled paper, write the other way." - Juan Ramon Jimenez. What do you think this will mean to the story?"

Response 1: "i think it means go against the rules of sciety and change the norm." (Fair enough.)

Response 2: "Change the way we are used to things" (Reasonable.)

Response 3: "Express yourself, not what people want you to be." (I like it.)

Response 4: "mabe that he does like his job and he wants to change it and the theme might be about changing his ways" (Actually a fairly solid prediction--I'm digging these responses.)

Response 5: "Disobey every rule that has ever been written."


Hell yeah!

Religious Tension, or Her Momma Trips Too Hard!

Here's a great nugget from a random hallway convo:


Anon: “The only reason her momma don’t want us to be best friends with her is because she’s a Jehovah’s Witness and we’re Baptists. That’s the only reason. She’s such a BITCH. My momma's different, her momma trips too hard.”

What do they think you ARE?

It's the last day of school--Finals Makeup Day. I have four kids in my classroom. Not fifteen minutes prior, I had just received an email from administration stressing the importance of keeping students supervised and in classrooms (i.e., by not letting them go to other classrooms, as they frequently end up wandering the halls).

The head secretary buzzes on my intercom.


HS: "Mr. Vonn would you be available to come to a meeting in the front office now? Ms. Hendrick [the school psychologist] needs a gen ed teacher."

Me, confused: "...No, I have students."

HS: "OK, thank you."

Billy Hopkins, one of the students working on a makeup test, shakes his head and says: "What do they think you ARE?"

Me: "Thank you, Billy."

The Value of Eight Minutes

We are working on essays in class. Toward the end of the period, I notice Wanda Pierson out of her seat, talking to her friend on the other side of the classroom.


Me: "Go work on your essay, Wanda."

Wanda: "But you said we had eight more minutes!"

Me, oblivious, then exasperated: "Oh, K, I--wait, what!? By all means, talk over there for eight minutes!"


Point! I wish I could go back in time and swat myself on the back of the head whenever I stopped working fifteen minutes before the bell.

Mark Antonym

A good (read: funny) essay is really a priceless commodity for a teacher. The mere phrase "necklace drivers" was good enough to generate laughs for weeks on end. So, by extension, the real prize is something even longer--say, an essay--that retains throughout a delicious mixture of ridiculousness, obliviousness, and--crucially--poor editing.

On that note, what follows is one of the greatest essays I have ever or will ever come across as a professional educator.

---

An Essay on Three Characters from Julius Caesar

"In Julius Caesar, there are 3 characters that have different effects on Rome. Mark Antonym is loyal to Rome and Julius Caesar. Caesar is a powerful leader. Brutus is duplicitous to Rome and Caesar. In Julius Caesar, there are 3 characters that are different in their own ways.

"Mark Antonym is the opposite of Brutus; Mark Antonym is loyal to Caesar and the people. One example is when Mark Antonym gave everybody money out of the Caesars’ will. Mark Antonym gives everybody a share of Caesar’s money. Mark Antonym wanted revenge for Caesars’ death so, he ordered 70-100 senators to be killed.

"Caesar is the most powerful person in Rome; he has a lot of control over Rome and the people. One example is how Caesar dies and Mark Antonym still tries to find his killer. Mark Antonym kills about 75 senators just to find Caesars killer. Another example is when Mark Antonym is frustrated about not finding his killer he said, “he will kill kids and mothers”. Mark Antonym is mad about not finding Caesars’ killer and he says he will kill everybody.

"Caesar is the most powerful person in this book. An example of this is how Caesar has everybody loyal to him. Mark Antonym is willing to kill 75 people. Another example of Caesar being to powerful is when Cassius and Brutus kill Caesar, because he is above them a they hate on him because of his power.

"In conclusion all of these characters (Brutus, Caesar, Mark Antonym) have different effects on Rome. In this book Mark Antonym is loyal to Rome and Caesar. Caesar had a lot of control and power over Rome and his people. Brutus was disloyal to Caesar. Ultimately all of these characters effected Rome in different ways."

----

I hope Jason Landry's work serves as a reminder that Spell Check is, in many ways, imperfect, and that Spell-Check-and-Replace-All is an even more dangerous tool. On the other hand, if it means the end for the Mark Antonyms of the world, I'd just as soon no student ever take notice of this.

Move along, nothing to see here.

The Wicked Witch

I was sick one day in April and had a substitute teacher fill in for me. The following day I did not get a note back and I wanted to place who my substitute was. So, naturally, I ask Cliff Milton, who I see in the hallway. (All I knew--or thought I knew--was that the sub was a guy, per a neighboring teacher.)


Me: "Who was the sub, Cliff? Was it a guy?"

Cliff: "Nah dude it looked like the Wicked Witch of the West!"

Me: "Hah, so... I think it was a guy later in the day...?"

Cliff: "I dunno, but she scared me!"


Note to self: not a man, possibly magical.

Is this the end of zombie Shakespeare?

Me: "Hey, guys, you know what I heard on NPR this morning? Today is William Shakespeare's 445th birthday."

Monique Brown: "What if Shakespeare was still alive, that'd be cool."


If I've failed in instilling a love of great literature, at least I've succeeded in creating an appreciation for zombies.