Best Thesis Ever

This is from a persuasive essay on the dangers of young drivers:


"Teenage drivers are young, dangerous, and necklace."


What follows is a Kafkaesque, modernist short story wherein the protagonist merges onto an interstate and immediately morphs into a necklace. Either that, or a load of old bollocks, I can't remember which.

Yet another logic problem

I am working metal detector crowd control one morning. I direct students to the right of me, forming a single-file line going up the stairs to the metal detector.

A kid skips in line, briskly, to my left. Some other kids notice this, but I am A) too tired to go get him, B) unwilling to abandon my post and let other kids get out of line, and C) uncaring about line etiquette on a grand scale.

So I solve the problem by turning to the few kids who saw this and, with a smile and faux-exasperated shake of the head, saying: "WTF?"

A student in line, Katrina, responds: "Hey! Don't talk about my brother like that!"

And I counter: "Well, he broke the rules. Tell him."

And she: "Pfft, right, like I'm going to talk to my ugly brother!"


...touche?

Hummin'

One of my favorite vernacular exclamations is definitely the self-explanatory, "Shut up talkin'." It is also acceptable to replace the "talkin'" with any gerund--say, "Shut up typin'," or, hypothetically, "Shut up pontificatin'." Here's my favorite real-life example:


A student hums in class.

"Shut up hummin'!"

Film criticism

We are watching the 1953 version of Julius Caesar in class. In the climactic scene, Caesar is stabbed by dagger-wielding senators. The camera pans to Brutus last.


Billy: "That look like a butter knife!"

Final Exam Excerpt

This was difficult to place in a rubric.


Exam Question: "This article is an example of SATIRE. In a paragraph, explain how the author uses humor to expose or criticize peoples faults or vices."

DeAndre's Answer: "I realy dont know what satire is so I will not be able to do this part of the test

SORRY!

Great Teaching This Year...!"


Hmm... I do like the pathos of his appeal to my teaching sensitivity (read: arrogance) here.

Shee-it!

One would think that the presence of three teachers--two of whom, in fact, are technically summer school administrators--might deter anything inappropriate or, say, ludicrous.

Ha!

I am standing in the hallway with two coworkers as students are being sent to the library to check out laptops. They have been told numerous times that they need to have a backpack for storage.


Teacher/Administrator: "Hey, man, do you have a laptop?"

Silence.

Teacher/Administrator: "...laptop?"

Student: "I got one in my car, ain't that enough? Shee-it!"


Shrug/sigh/oy/etc.

Dressing down

Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Ties.


Me: "I need to get a haircut."

Student [LaTesha Wright]: "You should get it spiky!"

Me: "Nah."

Student [Billy Hopkins]: "You should get hair like Mr. Caldwell and then wear tight jeans."

LaTesha: "Yeah why he dress like that?"

Me: "Well, why do I dress like this?"

Billy: "You dress like Steve from Blue's Clues."


In that instant, I decided: only wearing ties next year, no more polo/khaki combos.

Constructive criticism

In writers' workshops, you can never underestimate the importance of a friendly critique. Here's how my students interpret that.

Um. Earmuffs.


Student A [Jason Landry]: "Aw, Mr. Vonn, I forgot to cite my sources!"

Me: "Ah, that's OK. Can you resubmit it online for me?"

Jason: "Yeah."

Student B [DeAndre Dixon]: "You forgot to cite your sources?!"

Jason: "Yeah."

DeAndre: "Man you are the dumbest motherfucker in the world!"

I have no idea

Random student quote from an even more random student conversation:


"The attic can be the most haunted place in the house."

More anonymous complaints

I am standing in the hallway outside my classroom door. Two girls walk by, one holding her American history textbook.


Girl With Book: "UGH! This book is hella... heavy. Unnaturally."


Books, in their natural element, are supposed to be light, damn it.

Cricket

I am running an errand in a coworker's classroom. One of his student's cell phones begins to blare music.


Other teacher, in jest: "Have we ever heard of vibrate? Silence?"

Student: "Man Cricket ain't got vibrate!"