Tardy Track

Allie Lonnedge was tardy to class. It's the last day of the school-year, so I allow myself to indulge a bit.


Me: "I need you to go to Tardy Track, Allie."

Allie: "But, I gotta... but... it's the LAST DAY!"

Me: "I know, isn't that ironic?"


I smile and close the door.

Perpetual Motion

During the final exam, Phil Dawson is watching his pencil dangle back and forth from a string.


Phil: "Mr. Vonn I think I discovered perpetual motion!"

Me: "Well then you get an A-super-plus, and I’ll contact your physics teacher as well!"

He continues.

Me: "I don’t want to alarm you, but I guarantee you you didn’t discover perpetual motion."

Phil: "Darn it!"

Henry Adams

We are practicing a works cited page in class. I am typing sample entries as the overhead projector displays my work.


Me: "So we have a book written by Vonnegut. Let's say we also wanted to cite a book written by, say, Henry Adams, another famous writer..." I'm always curious to see if folks are following along, so I type:

"Adams, Henry. POINT! Chicago: Houghton-Mifflin, 2004."

Student [Niles]: "Hey don't say that about Henry Adams, he was a great and honorable man!"

Boy, Scoob!

We are taking computerized tests on individual reading ability. Alan Lackey calls me over to point something out.


Alan: "I learned that from Scooby Doo!"

Me: "What?"

Alan: "Oxymoron."

Me: "Nice."

Alan: "She said, 'I'm gonna see a real live ghost!' And he said, 'That's an oxymoron.'"


Thank you Scoob.

H1N1

Heard in passing:


"Bro I don't even wanna talk to the girls you talk to because they all look like they got swine flu."

Illest Goon

A couple students from seventh period argue about my level of ill.


Terry: "Man Mr. Vonn is the illest goon of the year! He gives out more "points" than... "points" in a sentence!"

Andy: "Point!"

Colonial Kelly

The other day I gave a makeup test on fact and opinion to a student. For the source material, I used the Kurt Vonnegut short story "All The King's Horses" that we read in class that day. If you have not read said story, all you really need to know for the following is A) Colonel Kelly is the protagonist and leader of a group of American soldiers who crash-land in enemy territory, and B) it takes place in the Asian countryside.

Now that I've offered those facts, allow me to dilute your burgeoning understanding of the text.


1. In a complete sentence, explain the difference between fact and opinion.

"Fact is a true statement
Opinion is a statement of their own belief." [fine enough]

2. Identify one fact in this passage or story and explain why it is so. Identify one opinion in this story and explain why it is so.

Fact: "Kelly is the leader of the Americans." [all right]

Explanation: "Kelly is the colonial of the Americans. Colonial means leader or captain." [Hmm, getting colder... though I appreciate the explanation of the word "colonial" as I was not aware of that nuance]

Opinion: "The jungle of Asia must not have much." [ye--wait, what?]

Explanation: "I can't imagine Asia with an amazing jungle."


To be fair I hear the Asian jungles are pretty mediocre.

Dodge Ball

Anon: "Man I want to play dodge ball. That shit be hella fun!"

Boyce

Student [Maria]: "Mr. Vonn, where is Boyce?"

Me: "What?"

Maria: "Boyce?"

Me: "I'm sorry, come again?"

Maria: "Boyce?"


I go and look at her computer screen.


Me: "Oh, Boise. It's in Idaho."

Maria: "Oh."


I wouldn't wager money on her knowledge of where Idaho is.