Whither Brutus?

As a teacher, I love both the question and the conclusion of the following.


Student [Billy]: "So is Brutus a bad guy?"

Me: "That's a great question! Is he? He's trying to help Rome, but at the same time he is backstabbing his best friend."

Billy: "So he's kind of like a middletagonist."

Biology

We are reading Julius Caesar and we pass the part where Brutus says there is no need to kill Mark Antony in addition to Caesar. This passage contains some difficult language, so I slow it down to make sure everyone is on the same wavelength.


Me: "Brutus says basically that if you chop off the head of the beast, the arm will die. Mark Antony is like the arm--he's useless without Caesar--"

Monique: "--is that true?"

Me: "..." [confused stare]

Monique: "Will your arm stop moving if you chop off someone's head?"

Me: "Um. Yes. You will be dead."

Monique: "Man cartoons are a bunch of bullcrap!"


Glad to see we're all on the same wavelength.

?

In the hallway, I noticed a receipt lying on the ground. I picked it up. It had Cliff Milton's name on it, so I brought it in to class and handed the receipt to him.


Cliff: "Thanks Mr. Vonn. Thanks for having a white guy's back!"


Nope, no idea.

Sound Family Planning

Again: I can't say I approve of the word choice here, but the ideas are refreshingly sane.


Alisha: "He has a baby?!"

Monique: "Yeah."

Alisha, exasperated: "I mean... can a nigga get to college first? Can a nigga go to college parties without having to find a babysitter? I'm just saying."

Sour Girl

I don't give as many speeches these days as I used to--I've realized their success (read: failure) ratio--but sometimes I can't help but indulge. My sixth period class was shirking work and so, before lunch, I copped my most didactic of demeanors and launched into an explanation of decorum in academia.


Me: "[Yadda yadda yadda] ...All right, guys?" The lunch bell rings. "I'm sorry, I mean I don't want to leave on a sour note but..."

Alisha: "Aw I love sour stuff!"


I think I'm finally getting through to them.

A. F.

I am standing by the doors again for metal detector duty at 7:10 in the morning. I bother no one, and no one bothers me. And then:


Student [Ambrose]: "Mr. Vonn don't know how to teach!"

Me--partially dejected, but still a bit too tired to care: "Aw, why?"

Ambrose: "April Fools!"


Touche sir.

Eau de hecka

I am standing outside of my classroom during passing period. I notice a scent in the air.


Student: "Somebody sprayed hecka perfume or this school finally started smelling clean!"


I think, regrettably, it was the former.

Flavor Flav

I am walking down the hallway during passing period and I see a student holding a wall clock to his chest. The clock bears our high school's mascot.


Me: "Hey, Flavor Flav over here!"

The student nods. "Flavor Flav!" He keeps walking and joins a group of peers.

Student: "And ya'll say I don't have any school spirit."


I can dig it.

Shi...

Kaneisha Walker: "Mr. Vonn, can I get a pass to the West Office?"

Me: "Yes. Why?"

Kaneisha: "[One-minute long story that I do not follow too closely.] ... ID card."

Me: "Ah. You need to pay for another ID?"

Kaneisha: "No, I already paid for the ID but she says I didn't."

Me: "Ah, well let me write you a pass to the West Office."

Kaneisha: "She said I gotta pay five bucks, but I ain't paying shi... sugar honey ice tea!"

piont nad time

It is indeed a bit pedantic to laugh at typos. But then there are typos involving the word "nad." This is from an online argument in which students participated on a classroom blog:


"--You can disgree but sometimes thing need to be done. An no one has the right to take a human's life but the thing is their is other situation's that need to be tooken care of at some piont nad time.."


I'm sorry, but that's both funny nad topical.

This ain't story-time!

At metal detectors, students put their belongings in smallish buckets: watches, cell phones, belts, etc. Friends will often share a bucket, so it's not uncommon to see buckets with a few watches and belts.

One such bucket--belonging to Students A and B, we'll call them--crossed my path on Thursday, except on top of everything there was a novel.


Student A: "Hey who put they book on here?" He hands the book to Student C, standing behind him in line.

Student B: "This ain't story-time!"

Another Comparison

I am also meant to look like Barney from The Flintstones.

I am slowly working my way through the cartoons of the past. Soon enough I will be compared to Steamboat Willie.

Winter Weather

Overheard in the hallway:


Student A: "Man the weather be hussin'!"

Student B: "Yeah."

Student A: "How it gonna be sunny during the week and snow on the weekend?"