Squiggleleedoogleleebobble!

There is no chance this is as funny in print as it is heard aloud from the source. Regardless:


Cliff: "Is this good, Mr. Vonn?" [He was asking about whether or not he had a good example to support his thesis statement.]

Me: "This is a good argument, Cliff, but actually you want to move that down here and move this example up [I point] here, before it."

Cliff, drawing a line to connect the sentence to the top of the essay: "Oh, do you mind if I do a little SQUIGGLE-LEE-DOOGLE-LEE-BOBBLE!?"

Me: "Yep, that's fine, a squiggleleedoogleleebobble is just fine."


It's always exhilarating to be present at the birth of a new word.

172 Philosophies

Student [Oliver Richards]: "Hey Mr. Vonn how come there was no Philosophy Club today?"

Me: "Ah, I had to go to a teacher's meeting. I'm sorry."

Oliver: "Aw man, and I just thought of like 172 new philosophies!"

Post-Spring Break Confidence Boost

It is the first day back from spring break. I am working metal detector duty at 7am. This consists of welcoming students to school and repeating ad nauseam: "OK folks, single file lines, make sure you grab a bucket for belts, cell phones, et cetera." The students drudge in wearily, quietly, still accustomed to sleeping in for hours more. I can't say I blame them; I myself am yawning my way through my Single-File-Bucket catchphrase.

Then Alisha Brixton walks in cheerily. "That's what I like to see! Mr. Vonn in the morning!"

Huzzah!

Self-Confidence

One thing Tierra Ford does not lack is self-confidence. In fact, by my reckoning, she has enough stores of it to supply possibly the entire Eastern seaboard.

In homeroom, she noticed a flier I had lying out for a state college. There was a picture of a cheery, dancing college freshman on the cover.


Tierra: "Bro they shouldn't have had her on here, they should have had me on here, then people be like DAAAAY-MN!"

Pointworthy

I propose a new neologism (a neoneologism?) be placed in the dictionary: 'pointworthy.' It means exactly what it sounds like, and if anyone needs further clarification, we can include the following election day email from a student as an example.


Anonymous Student: "When you vote today look at who will be the right one. Obama is going to raise taxes because in 1995 Obama was part of a group that raised taxes really high like they are now. He is going to pull out the people out of the war but if we do that then the people can come back together and kill a lot of people here in the U.S. If you look at McCain then you can see that he has some things alike Bush but he actually voted against the stuff that everyone else voted for when he was a senate. Also McCain isnt going to raise the taxes he will lower them. This is the facts people choose wisely."


I'm still a little unclear on the whole returning-American-soldiers-killing-American-citizens thing. But he does have some interesting points.

Bob Marley

In the hallway, I saw one of my favorite former students (Jay Johnson, he of Lusitania fame) walking with some friends. He was wearing a Bob Marley t-shirt.


Me: "Hi Jay. I like your shirt. Bob Marley, cool."

Jay: "Thanks Mr. Vonn."

His Friend, laughing: "Do you like what Bob Marley did?" [I should point out for the naive or unassuming that he was implying I smoke marijuana.]

Me, sighing: "I like what he did musically."


Kids these days.

The [Peach] Cobbler

We're reading Julius Caesar now. I ask for volunteers for specific roles. Alan Lackey raises his hand.


Alan: "Ooh, I want to be the cobbler!"

Me: "That's perfect, he's a bit of a joker so you'll be a great cobbler."

Alan: "What is a cobbler?"

Me: "Someone who fixes shoes."

Alan: "Ah, I was thinking, 'I'm a peach cobbler! I'm going to get eaten tonight!'"



Can you imagine how awesome Julius Caesar would be with an actual life-size peach cobbler cleverly rejoining Marullus in Act I scene i? I can, and I have been all day, and I will be whenever I read Act I scene i.

Point, the Bard!

He's blinking again!

In my weaker moments, I can cop a bit of a temper. When the collective work ethic of a classroom dwindles, my blood doesn't exactly boil, but it does simmer. The students know this; they've heard me pontificate countless times (think a variation on Jerry Maguire's "Help me, help you!" but more angry) and are singularly unimpressed.

Anyway, I've tried to work on ways to counteract my temper--generally through nervous tics like clapping my hands together, cracking my knuckles, scratching my head, or blinking my eyes--in an effort to stave off yelling and, as an added bonus, cultivate OCD tendencies.

Today I asked my class to write a paragraph on Julius Caesar, and, save for one blessed student, they continued talking and kept the pencils on the desks. I went to my arsenal of tics.


The Blessed Student: "Uh oh, he's blinking again!"


They've caught on even to this. Students are universally more perceptive than you think.

Globalization

I don't know what movie Cliff got this line from, but whenever he says it (out of context, like most everything he says), it makes me chuckle.


Me: "Cliff, you need a pass to go the restroom. Hold on one second."

Cliff: "Aw, a pass? Come on. See, Mr. Vonn, you're thinking locally. You need to think globally."

Election Results

On the day of the election last November, I played several CNN news reports for my homeroom class. One of the stories I chose dealt with the Kenyan public's response to the possibility of Barack Obama being elected. The CNN crew visited a rural Kenyan town to speak to the overjoyed citizens. One of these was an elderly, toothless woman.


Student [Monique Brown]: "Man why do they only show the ugly black people on TV?"


If that isn't an unwitting commentary on the negative self image of African-Americans in the US, I don't know what is.

(Later in class, I should mention, Monique also remarked--quite sincerely--that Michelle Obama was beautiful. This made me happy.)

Garry Johnson 1,000,000, Mr. Vonn 1

Garry Johnson is a professional roaster and an adept class clown. He regularly beats classmates, so it's outlandish to think I'd win a round. Which makes it that much sweeter.


Security Officer at door: "Mr. Vonn, I need Wanda from your class, with her things."

Wanda gets up and walks to the door. So does Garry.

Garry: "What, oh? She said she needs Wanda Pierson and Garry Johnson."

Wanda walks out. I close the door behind her. "Point, Garry."

The class erupts: "Ooooooooooh!"

Garry, smirking: "That's good. I'll get you, Mr. Vonn. Just wait. Next time. I'mma get him."

Me: "Don't worry, Garry, I'm sure you will."

Ocaan

I was grading quizzes when I came upon a mysterious answer to the question, "What type of imagery does the author use in this passage?" Earl Chalmers, one of my seventh period kids, wrote only one word: "Ocaan."

I marked an X after puzzling over the response for a moment. Ocaan? Weird.

I finished the stack of seventh period papers and moved on to fifth period. The first paper belonged to Jimmy Jackson. What type of imagery did the author use, Jimmy? "Ocean."

To recap: Earl stole Jimmy's paper from the fifth period stack and copied his answers. He did not, however, account for Jimmy's interesting handwriting, blindly trusting Jimmy and his take on the Ocaanic imagery of the passage.

The icing on the cake? "Ocean" is pretty far off. The passage was about a river, and then only tangentially.

And here's one for all the ladies...

Bart Johnson was walking down the hallway. He dropped an empty orange juice box and continued to walk.

Neighboring [Female] Teacher: "Excuse me, you're not going to leave that there!"

Bart walks back and picks up the orange juice box. "I was if you wasn't sitting right there." He moves on, toward me, smirking all the while. He cops a conspiratorial tone:

"You gotta be honest with the ladies, they like it that way."

Professionalism

Student [Marcia]: "How old are you Mr. Vonn, twenty-six?"

Me: "Twenty-five. Close."

Marcia: "Really? I was going to say twenty-four to be nice... Really? Twenty-five?"

Me: "Yes, do I seem older?"

Marcia: "I dunno, Mr. Vonn, you just have this feel... 'I'm 33, and I'm professional!'"


Professionalism really increases from 26-33 apparently.

Since I'm on a Cliff Milton jag...

...here's one for the record books. This was before school.


Cliff: "Last night I thought of a great invention."

Me, internal: I know this is going to be good. I must encourage this.

Cliff: "You know how teachers are always carrying those gay bags for their laptops?"

I sigh.

Cliff: "You know, those gay bags?"

Me: "I disagree with the word choice but yes I know what bags you are talking about."

Cliff: "Well instead how about a briefcase that has a little pouch for their laptops and their chargers."

Me: "That's a good idea, Cliff." I say this sincerely and don't point out that these already exist.

Cliff: "Yeah, you'd look real professional with one of those. You could go to Hamsterdam!"

Me, in concealed hysterics: "Hamsterdam?"

Cliff: "Yeah, Hamsterdam. Or Rome. I always wanted to go to Rome. But I heard the people there were real nasty, so maybe not."


Wind him up, let him go.

Ray

Cliff: "Mr. Vonn, why am I getting an 'I' in here?" [For the record, "I" means "incomplete" or, essentially, "F."]

Me: "Well, because you haven't passed 70% of the material."

Cliff: "Aw, it's because of those vocab quizzes."

Me: "Well, Cliff, that's true, you probably need to study."

Cliff: "Study?! ... What do you think I am, Ray Charles?"


Let me be clear: I have no idea what he was talking about, whatsoever.

Whack I tell you!

I'm a big believer in having students read aloud in class. I prefer taking volunteers, but--unsurprisingly--students don't always leap out of their seats to read. This does afford opportunities for students to coerce classmates to do work, though, which is always a fun sight.


Me: "OK, who wants to read...?"

Ciarra: "I do!"

Me: "OK, we got one, we just need three more..."

[SILENCE]

Me: "...really want to take volunteers today, don't want to call on anyone..."

[SILENCE]

Ciarra: "Ya'll so whack! Whack I tell you, whack!"


Classic.

Physics Club

This year I formed the Philosophy Club. Every Tuesday I get about 5-10 students who show up and argue about a particular topic. Non-believers, of course, remain dubious.


Cliff: "Hey what do you do in that Physics Club anyway?"


Oh, I don't know, muse upon velocity, rate, time, and the equations thereof, I suppose.