99.9% Racist

Here's some interesting restroom graffiti for you:


"Fuck all mexicans exept Leon"

Complaints Department

This is a cliche, but some people really, really love to complain.


Student, in for a makeup test after school [Wanda Pierson]: "Give me that fact and opinion test."

I scrounge and find a test. "Here you go, Wanda, here are the questions, if you could just write your answers on a separate sheet of paper..."

Wanda: "Mr. Vonn, that's doin' too much!"

Me: "Wanda--it's not doin' too much, it's doin' exactly the same amount!"

Wanda: "No, still!"


No. I do not accept. You have no argument here. I am right. You are wrong. No. No. No.

Patience

Speaking of emails one doesn't want to receive... Here's one I got once at 3:50pm--or, about 20 minutes after I got home from work. Audrey Purdue had been in after school to complete a makeup test, and apparently she was eager to know the results.


SUBJECT: "my grade!!!!!!!!"

"i came in did my test so can you please get my test graded!"


All those exclamation points told me she meant business.

Exclamation point indeed.

Creepy

Here's an email you don't really want to get from a student:


Ashley [sent after school]: "wats up mr. vonn wat u doin"

I try to keep it as bland as possible. "I just wrote some vocabulary practice and ate dinner!"

She writes: "im eating dinner to but i seen the vocab"


These kids have lives, right?

Later that day...

I was talking to Cliff about his Nintendo DS. (As you can see I run a tight ship in detention.)


Me: "What game are you playing, Cliff?"

Cliff: "Kung Fu Panda!"

Me: "Ah, cool. I just got my wife a Nintendo DS for Christmas. Do you ever play BrainAge?"

Cliff: "No, what's that?"

Me: "Well, it's this game where you get lots of different puzzles, and you have to--"

Cliff: "Aw, one of those smart people games. No way."

Me: "I wouldn't say it's a smart person game, I mean--"

Cliff: "Yeah but it's got smart in it."


Touche!

Introducing Cliff Milton

Wind him up, let him go: Cliff Milton is ready to say something odd--and supremely hilarious--at any moment. He is the indisputable King of the Random Remark.

One day, I gave Cliff a detention because he threw his pen cap at another student.


Cliff: "Aw, come on Mr. Vonn, I was just returning the pen cap, he has the pen!"

Me [after long sigh]: "Cliff. No. You know what you did. Serve it today or tomorrow."

Cliff, halfway seriously: "No way man, I don't have to accept this!"

Me: "Today or tomorrow."


I related this story to a colleague, who said he also gave Cliff a detention once. That time, Cliff demanded to see his lawyer first.

Anyway, Cliff came in the following day to serve his detention. My wife--who is a substitute teacher in our district--was hanging out in my classroom after school. A couple other kids were there doing makeup work.


Cliff: "Hey! You guys want to have a paper ball fight? I'll supply the paper!"

My wife: "Cliff: why would you try to start a paper ball fight--in detention--while I'm two feet away from you?"

Cliff: "What! Oh--do you want to too?"


I feel like I need a drummer in the classroom so we can have a rimshot at moments like these. "Let's give it up for Cliff, ladies and gentlemen!"

Another Phil Dawson bon mot

I structure all my lessons around what are called "essential questions." An essential question is one broad question designed to tie together all elements of the day's reading and discussion. One day, I posed this query: "Are most people leaders or followers?"

About three minutes into my honors English class--while I was introducing that question--the fire alarm sounded. There was an immediate uproar and students began pouring out the classroom door into the hallway. There they joined the rest of the crowd from other classrooms--who had mistakenly begun exiting the wrong exterior door. I hurried outside and tried to correct the error.


Me: "Folks! Folks! We need to go back this way! We go out the north door!"


My class begrudgingly obliged and shuffled back the opposite direction. Phil sidled up next to me.


Phil: "Well I guess this answers the question of whether people are leaders or followers, huh?"

Roastin' accomplished

I always thought my sense of humor would aid me in my teaching. This, as we have learned, was a sadly misguided pipe dream, but to be fair I am pretty good at getting kids to laugh at me. And, meh, I'll take it.


Two students [Trisha Rogers and Tierra Ford] giggle while I am introducing the day's lessons. Suddenly, I figure out what they're on about.

Me: "Are you guys laughing at my sweater?"

MORE PRONOUNCED LAUGHTER

Me: "Are you guys--are you guys tryin' to roast?"

CONTINUED LAUGHTER

Me: "I'll have you know this is the finest sweater 6 dollars can buy!"

ABSOLUTELY NO LAUGHTER WHATSOEVER

Me: "Come on kids that was at least kind of funny."

Tierra: "Point Mr. Vonn! He expected us to laugh!"

LAUGHTER RESUMES AS NORMAL

Tryin' to roast

I almost garnered another comparison today. I walked by a group of kids who immediately froze and stared at me as I passed.


Me: "Hi guys."

Them: SILENCE as I walk by. Followed by LAUGHTER.

"He look like... like... like...!!"


I literally slowed down because I wanted to hear it, and--nothing. This is a clear case of "tryin' to roast"--a failure to mock.

Career Exploration, Part III

This last one--Kimberly Tanner's response--goes out to all my neurologist homies.


1. The career I have chosen is: "nuerologist."

2. I have chosen this career because... (three sentences): "They make a good deal of money. You would be helping people. You would be saving lives." [Well put.]

3. Complete the following chart with at least FOUR Pros (good things) and Cons (bad things) about your career. (Example: Pro--high salary; Con--difficult to enter field)

PROS

1. "help people"
2. "save lives"
3. "good money"
4. "good life"

CONS

1. "gross" [I love this.]
2. "a lot of school"
3. "fear of messing up"
4. "difficult"


Finally, on the reverse side of the worksheet:


4. In this job, my typical day will be...

"going to work, fixing people's brains, and going home."

Career Exploration, Part II

Tierra chose "banker," primarily so she can meet people and make money. Fair enough. I do love her list of Pros and Cons, though:


PROS

1. "Salary"
2. "People"
3. "Money"
4. "Wardrobe"

CONS

1. "Robbery"
2. "Math"
3. "People"
4. "Boss"


People are both a pro and a con. I don't think I could sum up this life we endure any better than that.

Career Exploration, Part I

Recently, I had my homeroom students select one career each to focus on for the duration of the semester. One of the first assignments prompted students to analyze and predict what their future vocations would be like.

The answers, invariably, are priceless, but allow me to select three for your consideration. First up is Kiana Edmonds.


1. The career I have chosen is: "mortuary science."

2. I have chosen this career because... (three sentences): "I think that it would be fun to be a mortician. I have the stomach for it. The job requires a lot of moola (money)."

3. Complete the following chart with at least FOUR Pros (good things) and Cons (bad things) about your career. (Example: Pro--high salary; Con--difficult to enter field)

PROS

1. "Cut 'em open"
2. "Clean 'em out"
3. "Solving case"
4. "Gettin' moola (money)"

CONS

1. "Smell"
2. "Dead bodies"
3. "Liquid (blood)"
4. "Aftershock"


I'm still not sure what "aftershock" means, exactly, and further I'm not sure that I want to find out.

the new awesomest essay ever

Screw that last response. Beat this:

2. In 100 words, explain what the Mechanical Hound could symbolize. Use examples from pages 30-31.

"I think it symbolizes a friend just like a regular dog because people say a dog is a mans best friend the mechanical hound just knows how to do more stuff and is better at things than a real dog is and I think it symbolizes a machine that does all the work for you and hes less of a hassel to use"

A witticism?

Day after day, Phil Dawson continues to prove he is one of the smartest people I know. (For example: when I showed The Simpsons in class, he laughed not only more than his classmates, but actually more than even I did. It was then that I knew: Phil Dawson is smarter than me.)

Today, he had a facetious warning upon entering the classroom:


"Mr. Vonn--if you catch me sleeping in class today, it's because I had my first Monster Energy Drink and right now I'm on the FALLING ACTION part of it."


You know, falling action, stuff that happens after the climax of a story? I thought it was funny, anyway.

The awesomest essay ever

I think some kids assume I don't read their work. Anyway, this lightened the mood during my grading session:


2. In 100 words, explain what the Mechanical Hound could symbolize. Use examples from pages 30-31.

"Mr. Vonn I am challenging you this time, I think you'll find my arguement quite interesting. Perhaps the Mechanical Hound isn't a symbol at all. It could have been a very foreshadowing object. As I remember from class discussion you said that the hound only get in their attack mode when programed on some type of computer. What if the dog is foreshadowing a very important event? Maybe the dog actually has its own mind and can detect bad people. In my opinion this dog knows something about Montag that us as the reader doesn't know. Therefore I rest my case."


I might actually pass her on Foreshadowing for this.

Homeroom

In homeroom class we build healthy relationships.

Jalil: "Mr. Vonn you need to take Dierra out of your homeroom class because I don't want to see her face next year!"

Dierra: "You don't want to see my face and you live around the corner from me? . . . Don't go to sleep tonight."

it what peep do

I'm grading some papers on "Fact & Opinion." Here's one for you:


14. Define fact.

"fact is what peep do"

15. Define opinion.

"opinion?"


I gotta say, I do like simply rephrasing the question with a question mark, instead of leaving the question blank or writing "I don't know." It's a refreshing take on ignorance, if you will.

My huss

I told my kids today that they could listen to their headphones while they took the final only if it was French ambient pop.

Thought Gap

One of my biggest pet peeves is when a student (or anyone, really) doesn't think before proffering an answer. I'm not talking about a long, drawn-out mulling session; I'd settle for a split second of silent consideration. I submit the following as an example.

(I recently switched classrooms, moving only two rooms down the hallway. This conversation happened the first day of the switch:)


Student [Elia Rodriquez]: "Mr. Vonn! Why did we move classrooms?!"

Me: "This classroom is bigger."

Elia: "Oh. Is this move temporary?"

Me: "Nope."

Elia: "Is it permanent?"

Me: "...Yes..."


Just a split second, that's all I ask.

Nutter Butter Bar

Random quote heard in the hallway, in passing:


"Come on man, it's just a goddamn Nutter Butter Bar!"


I am pretty sure this is as earnest as anyone's ever felt about a Nutter Butter Bar.

Speaking of Fred...

We started Fahrenheit 451 today.


Me: "OK class today we're going to start on a new novel..."

Fred: "Aw why don't we just smoke rocks instead?" The class laughs.

Fred, later in class, rather randomly: "Yeah, I remember when I had my first beer."


Fred has a very particular brand of humor.

Up-To-Date Comparisons

I passed a couple students today and heard them giggling behind me, "Look--it's Ashton Kutcher!" (Note: I do not look like Ashton Kutcher.) Anyway, that gave me the idea of keeping a running tab.

People I'm meant to look like:

- Ashton Kutcher
- Jim Carrey
- Jeff Daniels
- Tom Brady
- Prince Charming (from Shrek)
- Fred from Scooby Doo
- Shaggy from Scooby Doo
- [Indecisive] "Scooby Doo Man"
- Gordon Ramsay (from Fred Pujols, this is maybe my favorite, because A) no other student remotely knows who Ramsay is, thus negating the intended effect of Fred's barb, and B) it gave me license to swear frequently and vitriolically)